Dad told me a while back that at one time he wanted to be a Trappist monk – I can only assume that this was before he married and had children – since Trappist monks, as you would expect, observe strict celibacy. They follow a code originating from St Benedict which keeps spoken communication to a minimum, in the belief that this will minimise social distractions and create more receptivity to God’s will.
Trappists, properly known as Cistercians of the Strict Observance, like other orders of monks and nuns, renounce their wordly possessions and, according to the 48th chapter of the rule of St Benedict, ‘live by the work of the hands’. They have been characterised as particularly holy, even in comparison to other orders, because of the emphasis on solitude. Interestingly, though, they are famous for making beer and do not renounce alcoholic consumption.
I’m not sure, even given the beer, whether Dad would in fact have been a candidate for such an austere life – possibly – but it is clear that religion has influenced all of his life and guided his decisions. He has practised Catholicism by attending weekly mass, following its teachings, ensuring that his children were instructed in these teachings, and also by being a member of an organisation called the Catenians.
The name ‘Catenians’ comes from the Latin for chain. The organisation promotes links and brotherhood between Catholic men with the aim of supporting family life and the wider Catholic community, including various charities. It was formed in 1908 in Manchester by the then Bishop of Salford, at a time when Catholics were experiencing discrimination and needed to support each other to keep their values active. Now, it is a global organisation that meets in local circles both in the UK and Ireland as well as in countries as far away as Hong Kong, Australia and Malta.
Over the past few years, I have come to appreciate how supportive the Catenian framework has been and still is for Dad. The circle he was a member of for the previous 40 odd years has kept track of his progress, both after my mother died in 2009 and also since he moved to reside in a care home last year. Their support is palpable. And, as well as just keeping in touch, his closest Catenian friends have visited him on two occasions – one being his birthday, as reported here, and the second visit being at the beginning of last week.
The special reason for this visit was to make a presentation to Dad to mark the fact that he has been a member of the Catenians for 60 years. I guess that means that he joined the organisation in 1956 when my parents would have been living in Burgess Hill in West Sussex – the place, also, where I was born. I’m not sure how he came to join but I think it was via a friend at the time.
So, on 4th January, four Catenian friends made the journey up the M1 to mark this 60th anniversary. Fortunately, I was able to use one of the small lounges for the occasion and to provide some refreshments to welcome Mal, Tony, Margaret and Gordon. This kind of continuity with a former life and friends is hard to achieve, when an elderly person moves to live near a close relative so I am very grateful to these people for making this connection still possible, despite around 300 mile round trip.
As for the continued importance of religion in Dad’s life, my brother Michael has been very committed in taking Dad to the nearest Catholic mass, every Sunday. Again, this is not an easy process. Catholic churches in this area are thin of the ground and the nearest mass is actually held in a Cof E parish church in a small town, about 4 miles from the care home. Like many small Pennine towns, the surrounding pavements are rough and kerbs awkward, so parking nearby and getting Dad into the church takes some determination from all parties concerned.
However, the congregation have been very welcoming to Dad (for example by inviting him to the party discussed in this previous post) and this level of friendliness gives a real sense of community which would otherwise be lacking from Dad’s current experience. It was significant that last week he mentioned his Sunday routine to his Catenian visitors and that he praised both the church and the small group of talented musicians who lead the hymns and the sung parts of the mass.
Recently Dad has started many of his phone calls to me with the complaint: I’m all alone here. Though not strictly true, it does emphasise that a sense of community in a care home is hard to achieve and in some cases, near impossible. Although Dad expresses this sense of abandonment, I would say that he is fortunate to have friends that still care enough about him to visit from a distance. It seems that 60 years ago he made a wise decision when he joined the Catenians.
Images: Featured image Small Black, New Chain (2010); available from ihearcolours.tumblr.com. Thanks to Tony McManus for the photos of visit and to him, Margaret, Mal and Gordon for making the long journey to visit us.
Caring for Dad 